Last year was difficult for everyone. It’s not only that our personal trials are difficult, it’s the pain of the world that is just too loud to ignore—the distrust, anger, lack of compassion, senseless violence and destruction, the wars, floods, tornadoes, earthquakes. It all hurts. We’re all tired.
At the farm we had three healthy animals die unexpectedly, each just a month apart. I was already grieving for the chaos in the world and now it felt like I was being swallowed up with it. The depth of this grief felt like more than I could bear. I felt drained and completely out of energy for anything except the care and feeding of the animal friends that are still here. Anything else seemed like just too much to do and I had nothing in me to give.
In the midst of my grief, I felt cracks of light and hope in the world and it filled me with love and gratitude. Hearing about the smallest act of kindness touched me in those deep dark places inside and made me cry with happiness. I thought about the animals that had given so much love to me and how much I missed them. Yet I still feel love coming from them and it is a powerful balm.
Sometimes my grief felt/feels overwhelming. I wanted to let go of that grief and just hold onto the love only to find that I could do neither. I realized how much grief and love are a part of each other, living side-by-side and they always have been. I could feel how the grief had opened me and shown me how deep the well of love truly is. And how the love opened me to deeper levels of the grief which would in turn fill me with more love. I’ve come to feel there is no love without grief and no grief without love.
Dakota, sweet pony, was feeling her own grief about losing her best friend, Blue. She was depressed and lethargic, would follow me when I came outside and call for me when I wasn’t there. Though there were two other horses still with her, they have a special bond with each other while Dakota’s bond was with Blue and she couldn’t bear his loss. I knew I had to find her a new friend. It’s a tricky thing trying to fill a gap for someone else, especially when it’s a herd situation and everyone has to get along. I looked everywhere to find this friend.
In my search for a pony, I found two 5-month-old goat girls that looked like our previous goats, Bella and Coco. Sweetpea, our 16-year-old goat had been separated from our younger rough and tumble boys and was living in a pasture with llamas and alpacas. She needed a goat family so we brought those girls home and it was instant love. Sweetpea treats Annie and Freya like they are her daughters and they are bonded to her like she is their mama. Finding them while searching for a pony was a beautiful accident.
Finally, we found a pony for Dakota. The night he was coming here I had her in the barn by herself eating hay. When I led him in she let out a little squeal and ran over to him. Within five minutes they were eating hay with their heads together. Oso is a 10-year-old Shetland Pony. He’s beautiful and kind and grounded. He was afraid of everything when he got here. He’d been a kid’s pony and had been in five homes. He was afraid of making mistakes, afraid to let his guard down, afraid to care about anything because his life had been to mind and be good and be passed on to someone else. Slowly Oso has become comfortable and has opened up. He’s still opening up and he is more and more wonderful each day.
Just this week (another happy accident) we brought in three baby goats that moved into Sweetpea’s pasture. She is now a “mama” to five youngsters. It has given her a purpose in her elder years and she is one happy girl. Plus, it brought new life and lots of joy to the pasture.
It seems the world is topsy turvy right now, up and down, forward and backward and it’s hard to figure out whether to hold on and try to surf this big wave or to just let go and be carried wherever the energy is going to carry you. I’m leaning toward letting go, yet it’s still not easy sometimes to relinquish control and just be. I’m not sure why I think I can control anything or what it would give me if I could. And I do know that letting go has brought me many beautiful things. And I do know that love is strong and powerful and that I have to listen to it, trust it, and follow it. That’s what the animals have taught me.
I intend every day to be a source of love in all that I do. I’m not sure I always succeed though it is my intention. If I am off track, I am quickly lifted by a kind word from someone, a smile, a generous gesture. These small acts are deeply appreciated and all are acts of love. They fill me with hope and make me feel like someone is saying, “Trust this, I’ve got you” and once again I’m in that space of love and know that we are all one.